One of the symptoms of depression can either be weight loss or weight gain. Especially if one’s on medication, there tends to be a side-effect that can make a person gain weight. For the first time in my life, I’m actually having to worry about my weight, ever since I’ve started medications.
Prior to my hospitalization last year, my weight had a tendency to fluctuate and it ultimately had me lose a considerable amount around the time my depressive state crashed. Being the 5’7, 120 – 125 lb woman that, despite to have been self conscious about weight, now it’s becoming more like a previous life where I held an ‘idealistic’ weight. By the time I was hospitalized, I was 115 lb. Now I’m around 145 – 150 lb, at least, which is considered as borderline fat. Not obese, but still something that is quite noticeable if one has seen me after being hospitalized.
Why am I obsessing over it? Could it have went as far back as my early childhood when I was so self-conscious of eating in the presence of others that I didn’t want to appear like I’ve ate too much? Or not counting my blessings enough to have had a fast metabolism which is now going into a crash which has to be moderated? Hearing both sides of “not to worry too much about it” and “have something done now so that you’d save the trouble” really does not help when my frame of mind is fragile and skewed due to the long history of low self-esteem. What if I wake up one day in a severe depressed state, weighing 300+ pounds and not finding the energy to have something going while having the house stench of cat piss and dirty clothes? (Not that the latter is an apparent issue. Not yet, anyway.)
Sometimes I’d ask myself “Are the medications worth the effects?” While still having off days where I wouldn’t want to move from the bed, is it worth having the risk of chancing the mental state and the metabolism go haywire all because of a series of lazy days? Looks like the obsession over weight is not going to end anytime soon.