What is there to live for?

For us depressives, this can go extreme and often thought-provoking. Often times when asking ourselves this it’s because we’re on the lower end of depression.

Lately I have been thinking about this and remain on the upside perspective of it. I mean, I am at a fairly decent place in my life – recently to have moved, rethinking (and still am) my life decisions while I can and financially sound in the process. When I find myself going towards the lower end of the scale, I make sure to give myself a reason to distract myself from going at that place. This, of course, can have a price to pay if I keep up the avoidance until I can’t any further. But for now I don’t need to worry. Despite the obstacles I’ve faced, I’m doing fairly well with college and taking baby steps to get back in course to being a full-time student. Maybe I’m living too present of the moment to not see the bigger picture, which provokes anxiety and the depression tends to follow.

So, what is there to live for? Is there a bigger picture or am I better off not seeing it so that I don’t become overwhelmed? I can’t help but to still feel a bit hazed while remaining in the present, which makes me wonder if there’s a sense of denial going on. But whatever. It’s all I’ve ever known and might as well remain in it for the sake of sanity itself. Don’t fix what is not broken, right?

So I’ll just sit here with my Saturday evening cup of coffee and try to distract myself as neighbors blast music. It’s better than silence that would allow my brain to become the loudest.

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