I’ve always been someone who complied to the rules and listened to those of higher ranking and authority. They must know better in order to hold the position, right? That is up until my recent years. Better late than never, but I finally found what I consider as ‘my voice’ and sometimes I cannot control the limits as to how loud I will use it. At times, it can be a little overbearing to the point it can bring on much of my paranoia.
As stated recently, I had to leave from the counselors I’ve been seeing for months due to “not complying” and overall being ousted due to slut shaming. Unfortunately, among many women there comes a tendency of ‘weeding out’ and competing to the point that we will go as far as reputing by our sexuality in different ways than what men are expected of – which, I will dare to say that further enhances the stigmatizing of women’s sexuality and compulsory behaviors. I can say it from personal experience since I never have been outcast over my sexual preferences from men, but by other women -contrary to popular belief.
Moving forward, I’ve learned to question authority and learned to set the limits between myself and the expectation of others. I do wonder if it’s because I’ve had disappointments by complying to toxic circumstances that can make it become unhealthy to question everything, since I’ve learned that for every action comes an expectation. I have also learned that “my voice” tends to backfire since for one I cannot shut up once using it; two, because the louder I make myself to be, it tends to have a vulnerability of manipulative response from the other party that makes it go back to square one. Which leads to question whether if it’s been worth rebelling all that I’ve had to endure and when it is best to stay quiet, as I had when I complied to everything.
There’s a line between staying quiet and listen and simply staying quiet and walk away. Some of the most revolutionary figures held themselves in silence and never “fought back” in order to make a difference, such as Rosa Parks and Mahatma Ghandi. While I won’t go as extreme as mis/attributing historical events and people to my everyday and rather privileged living, there’s something that could be learned that unfortunately may take a lifetime for me to handle. I’m going to walk away, especially if the problem never was aroused by me.