RE: Politics — Whoops! Opened The Wrong Door’

Enjoying the blog? like the page on facebook! Swaggering around with all my confidence from yesterday I stumble across a problem, I have nowhere to swagger to. I don’t really have any work on at the moment, and Vienna has been transported to the Siberian Peninsular, apparently, so what is a boy to do? […]

via #97 Politics – ‘Whoops! Opened The Wrong Door’ — Mindfump.

 

I have been furiously into political subjects and parties to the point that it identifies me – or should I say, had identified me, up until I started to challenge the midst of the division that I’ve created within myself.

For now, I’ll reblogging one of my favorite psychology-related blogs who seems to speak much of my mind on certain subjects, such as this one.

via @Mindfrump.

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Sometimes the best thing to do is to [quietly] walk away.

I’ve always been someone who complied to the rules and listened to those of higher ranking and authority. They must know better in order to hold the position, right? That is up until my recent years. Better late than never, but I finally found what I consider as ‘my voice’ and sometimes I cannot control the limits as to how loud I will use it. At times, it can be a little overbearing to the point it can bring on much of my paranoia.

As stated recently, I had to leave from the counselors I’ve been seeing for months due to “not complying” and overall being ousted due to slut shaming. Unfortunately, among many women there comes a tendency of ‘weeding out’ and competing to the point that we will go as far as reputing by our sexuality in different ways than what men are expected of – which, I will dare to say that further enhances the stigmatizing of women’s sexuality and compulsory behaviors. I can say it from personal experience since I never have been outcast over my sexual preferences from men, but by other women -contrary to popular belief.

Moving forward, I’ve learned to question authority and learned to set the limits between myself and the expectation of others. I do wonder if it’s because I’ve had disappointments by complying to toxic circumstances that can make it become unhealthy to question everything, since I’ve learned that for every action comes an expectation. I have also learned that “my voice” tends to backfire since for one I cannot shut up once using it; two, because the louder I make myself to be, it tends to have a vulnerability of manipulative response from the other party that makes it go back to square one. Which leads to question whether if it’s been worth rebelling all that I’ve had to endure and when it is best to stay quiet, as I had when I complied to everything.

There’s a line between staying quiet and listen and simply staying quiet and walk away. Some of the most revolutionary figures held themselves in silence and never “fought back” in order to make a difference, such as Rosa Parks and Mahatma Ghandi. While I won’t go as extreme as mis/attributing historical events and people to my everyday and rather privileged living, there’s something that could be learned that unfortunately may take a lifetime for me to handle. I’m going to walk away, especially if the problem never was aroused by me.

Sweet Dreams Are Made of These…?

Here I am to disagree.

Lately I’ve been having brief dreams pertaining to my past in terms of people and events as well as dreams having to do with everyday events. Many of them are insignificant while others seem to give reminders as to why anxiety tends to sink in. For example, I have a cat that most likely has cancer and tumors were spotted within his ear as a foul odor is given off as one of the symptoms. I dream about my cat having an illness and having no other choice than to be put down despite them looking healthy (which is the case and an inevitable most likely going to happen.) Others where I see people who I’ve interacted with in the past and it’s as if they’re only there for a second and I needed to conjure up a reason that I’m needing them to be there and owe an explanation as to why they’re no longer in my life. The most impacted of what is considered a nightmare…losing my home, my parents (which has been frequent, seeing as I’m getting older and given the circumstances I shouldn’t be having), and, though I never experienced it, being sexually assaulted. Is this some sort of side effect of my medication that is giving me anxiety during sleep or is there something within my subconscious that is being suppressed by everyday events that cause the fear?

It’s as if within my waking state that something is going to ‘set off’ at anytime and that my mind is a ticking time bomb. Maybe that’s part of the reason I’m having so many writer’s block and not reaching the potential I could while practicing my writing. Maybe that’s why I haven’t been feeling like I’ve had a good night’s rest in a while. I truly don’t know if it’s because I’m used to having some event happen shortly after being stable that it’s ingrained within me to expect for the worst at any point. It’s as if I can never have a true break between circumstantial events as well as my psychological well being. It has to be one or the other. It never ends.

What is there to live for?

For us depressives, this can go extreme and often thought-provoking. Often times when asking ourselves this it’s because we’re on the lower end of depression.

Lately I have been thinking about this and remain on the upside perspective of it. I mean, I am at a fairly decent place in my life – recently to have moved, rethinking (and still am) my life decisions while I can and financially sound in the process. When I find myself going towards the lower end of the scale, I make sure to give myself a reason to distract myself from going at that place. This, of course, can have a price to pay if I keep up the avoidance until I can’t any further. But for now I don’t need to worry. Despite the obstacles I’ve faced, I’m doing fairly well with college and taking baby steps to get back in course to being a full-time student. Maybe I’m living too present of the moment to not see the bigger picture, which provokes anxiety and the depression tends to follow.

So, what is there to live for? Is there a bigger picture or am I better off not seeing it so that I don’t become overwhelmed? I can’t help but to still feel a bit hazed while remaining in the present, which makes me wonder if there’s a sense of denial going on. But whatever. It’s all I’ve ever known and might as well remain in it for the sake of sanity itself. Don’t fix what is not broken, right?

So I’ll just sit here with my Saturday evening cup of coffee and try to distract myself as neighbors blast music. It’s better than silence that would allow my brain to become the loudest.

New Beginnings

Just as I am writing this, I’m reflecting back on the things that may be petty, but overall things that people have done that have hurt me, whether if they were intentional or not. More recently, I’ve had what seemed like a loss that turn out to be one of the best things that have ever happened – letting go and starting new.

At times, we can get caught up among circles that show some toxicity and addictive to the point one can become a glutton for punishment. My most recent had to have been the counselors I’ve been seeing ever since I started the trails of my confirmed diagnoses. Three of them, to be exact, as a team of psychotherapists who would jot down the symptoms displayed in an individual and confirm them with the psychiatrist. They weren’t the ten – eleven months worth of wasted time, which I will give them credit for. Just the way I’ve concluded with them and their overall assumptions about me outside the confidential standards between a client and case manager was where it went wrong.

I guess one can say that there’s been many red flags that gave the signs of bad therapy taking place during my time of treatment. After a few months saying minimal about my past, there came the tiny breakthroughs that I knew deep within me would have me become vulnerable. I knew to trust nobody, even professionals, about the problems I had in terms of intimacy, trust and infidelity. There’s no doubt that the first two were apparent, but I never talk about the infidelities that made me have emotional affairs with married men and the fact that I was never the good quality in terms of finding proper dates. I know by saying these things, I’m vulnerable to the criticisms by strangers, and who knows, even my therapists if they happen to find my blog. The purpose of this is to open up and write what I know I would never say.

 

Shortly after my departure of my psychotherapists, a friend was asked by the very administrator of the system whether or not I was/am a stripper. Yes, this happened – no respect in asking me in person nor keeping anything confidential as their profession tells them to do. Must I explain myself? No, because I know what I am and am not and being a stripper is not one of them. How I get my income or any sense of intimacy is essentially nobody’s business to begin with. When I heard of this, I couldn’t hide the fact as to how psychologically and spiritually shattered I became. People, at the end of the day, trying to ruin my name by making assumptions and having the audacity to ask/say about their claims to another person whom having no business to know much about my intimate-life. What could have I done at that point?

While it affirms to not saying about my deep-rooted issues, it also has opened my eyes as to how free I’ve been set since I became suspended from their program. Was it right? No. But sometimes the injustice can bring the benefit of the one afflicted of the unjust and have them move on to something better, since I too am a human being with emotions and a (broken) soul. What became the day of my potential breakdown was also a gain for me to seek (somewhat) better treatment. I hope that by learning about the potential effects of counselor abuse there can be something done to keep the client, no matter their diagnosis or past, their dignity and respect that unfortunately gets lost within the pages of reports.

I chose to listen. I chose to heal. Why? Because I deserve it.

 

via Daily Prompt: Heal

Stockholm lorry rams crowds, killing ‘at least four people’ – BBC News

A lorry has smashed into a store in central Stockholm, killing at least four people.

At least a dozen people were also injured in the incident on Drottninggatan (Queen Street), one of the city’s major pedestrian streets, on Friday afternoon.

Swedish Prime Minister Stefan Lofven said everything pointed to an act of terrorism.

Police said they were still hunting for the driver.

A different person was arrested earlier, after police released a grainy image of a man caught on CCTV.

The held man is deemed to be a person of interest in the case.

Eyewitnesses describe lorry ‘trying to hit people’

Read more via BBC News: Stockholm lorry rams crowds, killing ‘at least four people’ – BBC News

Being the Outlier of This Equation Called Life

Too young to be worried, too old to be contemplating.

Young enough to be denigrated, old enough to be held accountable.

“You still have time to figure it out,” they say.

“What are you doing with your life?” I’m asked.

Surrounded by mothers with the world weighed on their shoulders.

Students yearning to dig all the promised treasure they can find.

Expectations too low and standards set high.

Being the outlier of this equation called Life.

 

via Daily Prompt: Outlier

[Politics] – Trump’s View of Bashar al-Assad Changed After Syrian Attack

Later Turkey’s health ministry said 31 people injured in the attack who had been taken across the border showed signs of being exposed to the nerve agent sarin. “Evidence was detected in patients which leads one to think they were exposed to a chemical substance [sarin],” the ministry said in a statement.

As evidence mounted confirming the use of chemical weapons, so did western pressure for some response. Donald Trump warned that the strike had changed his view of the Syrian leader, Bashar al-Assad.

France’s foreign minister, Jean-Marc Ayrault, said Paris was trying to persuade the security council to pass resolution but it was “difficult”. He said: “France is still seeking to talk with its partners on the security council, especially the permanent members, and Russia in particular.”

The German chancellor, Angela Merkel, said it was a “scandal” that the UN’s security council had not passed a resolution on the attack.

The medical results from Turkey came as the Syrian foreign minister denied that his government used chemical weapons in the attack, or had used them before, despite reports from UN investigators confirming previous chemical attacks by both the Syrian government and Islamic State troops.

Speaking to reporters in Damascus, Walid al-Muallem said: “The Syrian Arab Army has never used chemical weapons and will not use chemical weapons against Syrians and even against terrorists.”

 

See full article at via The Guardian – World News: Postmortems confirm Syria chemical attack, Turkey says.

The Line Between Self-Criticism and the Criticism of Others

How much do we take the criticism of others and apply it to our own self-criticism? Is the criticism of ourselves a product of societal standards or does the societal standards reflect upon our own critics that determine what is acceptable or not?

It tends to start from early childhood when we start to grasp the concept of morality and consequences that affect the stimulus as to what we gain or lose from the actions we output to the world around us. Peer pressure becomes crucial in normal development and it is mandatory within the working world in order to make our living. How far does the boundary set between putting an acceptable persona in how we act and how we view ourselves in terms of body image, self-esteem and overall mental health? How much do we sacrifice in order to compromise what we want and what we need to be?

Remembering events such as when I was twelve and invited to a sleepover that a supposed-friend set up with another friend and remembering how much I “stood out” socially as well as physically, to remembering the freshmen year of high school where I spent after school in the girls bathroom waiting for others to leave so that I wouldn’t have to face the judgments of other people while grabbing the stuff needed to go home from my locker, are a few prime examples as to when I was exposed to the gruesome reality of expectation and criticism. More recently, having to confront family members asking what I’m doing with my life while withdrawing from old connections as they moved on to graduate and obtain their associate’s and bachelor’s; meanwhile confining myself taking a few classes per semester in hopes to obtain an associate’s or transferring to a four-year college as I seek help for mental health concerns that I’ve recently decided to [some cases inevitably] come out towards. Hence, the side effects of depression and weight start to come in as warmer weather is heading around the corner and I’m hoping to overcome the obstacle of staying outdoors more often and for longer periods of time. Unemployment? Further confirming to relatives assumptions and dismissal of former-friends as well as professional’s expectations. Is it any wonder that my depression tends to flare up at times? Is it the causation or correlation to my apparent circumstances that essentially is seen as the bottom of the barrel in society?

Is it worth to put any expectations among the actions I take, now that inevitably going towards the stage of the saying “You can’t teach an old dog new tricks,” to trying to find what “hidden capabilities” I have in order to attempt at finding new and alternative paths to take with my life now that I can find the opportunity in amidst of the unknown? How much of the “expectations” (or assumptions, whichever way it is put) are to blame for much of my life as well as anybody’s life that give criticism to how much our lives are worth and the self-importance we try to maintain in order to give our life some meaning? Some try to say that there’s a “bigger picture” to the choices we make and sometimes we have to seek them through in order to understand. I’m not sure if I’m at that stage as of yet in order to find true self-constructive criticism and acceptance that may have been long needed in order to help find that direction in life.